8 tips for when Mum or Dad lives with you

In the past, if Dad died and Mum was too frail to live alone, she moved in with one of her adult children. While there are a variety of more popular options available now—assisted living, specialist memory care units, arranging a little homecare or 24hr live-in care—cohabitating to take care of elderly parents is still a popular choice for some.

The dynamic of sharing a living space with your parent once you have reached adulthood is very different from what you experienced in your youth. You may have happily lived at home when you were twenty but at that time, your parents were accustomed to creating rules and you were accustomed to living under them.

As you face the possibility of an aging parent moving in with you, here are some important things to consider as you lay the foundation for this new phase in your relationship.

1. Have a discussion to set expectations
   All relationships are shaped by expectations and that seems to go triple for familial relationships. Be sure that you and Mum are on the same page before she moves in with you. Determine what boundaries are important to you and then use those to jumpstart a discussion about expectations. Some boundaries to consider might revolve around parenting your children, pet care, cooking, food shopping, household bills, noise levels, decorating and cleaning responsibilities. If Dad is moving in, for example, you may need to have a discussion about his love of debating heated political issues when you have friends round. You may also need to remind Mum that you will not be happy with her criticising how you discipline your children.Just as seemingly petty issues may have driven a wedge between you and your best friend from school when you became college roommates, the same issues can arise with an elderly parent. Having a discussion won’t eliminate all future conflict, but it will help set a foundation of expectations later on.

2. Determine financial considerations upfront.
   Discussion of rent and household expenses is an important one to have right away, both for you and your elderly parent. Keep the boundaries clear. While there is the potential for Dad to rely on your finances too heavily, there is an equally serious potential for you to find yourself relying on Dad’s finances too heavily. If he is considered a vulnerable adult, you can find yourself crossing barriers and unintentionally exploiting Dad because of financial emergencies that arise.

    

    

3. Make the arrangement on a trial basis.
   Face the reality that there may come a day when the living arrangement will no longer be a suitable one for either or both parties. You may realise the issues you had with your dad growing up are not getting any better by having him living with you again, or Mum’s health issues may reach the point where she needs regular nursing care. There are a myriad of reasons why the arrangement may not work out for the adult child or for the elderly parent. Make an agreement to be understanding should this happen.

    

    

4. Be aware that Mum may promise things that, in the long-term, are impractical
   For many older people, ‘nursing home’ and ‘assisted living’ – though much improved from decades gone by – are trigger words. In her desire to avoid these options, and live with you, Mum may make promises that she will not realistically be able to keep. Consider these lofty goals to be like New Year’s resolutions. Just as you broke down and had cake fifteen days into the new year, Mum will probably not be able to stop smoking or curb her other habits that may annoy you, although she may promise otherwise.

5. Allow Mum to create a sense of spaceWhen Mum or Dad moves in with an adult child, it’s important for them to have a sense of ownership over the space in which they live. While you will want to maintain decorative control over the shared living spaces—the bedroom, the kitchen, the bathroom—allow Mum a space of her own to decorate as she wants. This may mean allowing her to paint her bedroom a colour you deem ugly or boxing up your guest room so that she can create a space that is fully her own.

    

    

6. Be prepared to assert your boundaries as neededIn the passion of an argument or in a moment of severe physical pain, Dad may end up crossing some lines, such as scolding you as he did when you were a child. It’s important to respectfully maintain boundaries when this happens so that you don’t lose ground in your own home. It’s important to remember that there are two lives to consider—the home you’ve created and the life you’ve built, and the life Dad has always known. You don’t want to sacrifice the life you’ve created in order to help Dad keep the life he’s always known. There may need to be some compromise, but avoid over-compromising as that can lead to walls of resentment.
   
7. When conflict happens, keep a cool head about youAs in any argument, the anger and pain you feel will pass. When Mum pushes all the buttons only she can push, the desire to lash out with, “Then get out!” can be strong. Words spoken in anger can sting long after they were spoken and can change the course of relationships. Although she is entering your space, it’s important that Mum feels at home and that she is not walking a tightrope of acceptance. Home needs to be something that feels permanent and not a privilege that can be revoked.

8. Don’t try to be Mum’s Mum or Dad’s dad
   In elder care, we often use the phrase ‘parenting your parent’. If your elderly parent has dementia, you may have to take on a parenting role, but if Mum and Dad are cognitively sharp, it’s important that you not take that phrase too literally. Mum probably doesn’t need someone to lecture her or scold her (and even if she does, it’s probably not going to be helpful). She may also not need someone to make decisions for her. If you do find yourself needing to parent your mum—perhaps she refuses to take important medications, refuses to eat, won’t get out of bed, won’t make healthy decisions—that’s probably a sign that she needs another support option, such as homecare visits or even assisted living where someone else can take on an authority caregiving role.

For more advice, visit our online Advice Centre, request a call back by completing the form below or simply call us on 01252 783426 or 01483 662400.