Your partner has dementia, best not argue

If you have attended one of my Dementia Friends sessions, one of the key learnings you may have picked up is that it is best to try not to argue with someone living with dementia. This is often easier said than done so I thought we could explore it in this month’s column.

My wife Kate is wonderful and neither of us are confrontational people. However, every now and then we will disagree about something and argue. Call it a disagreement or an argument, really what it boils down to is having different opinions about something and talking about it. When you have spent years of your life living with someone, together you will have figured out how you both deal with these situations, you may discuss it calmly, you may shout about it and then make up later. It is really difficult to change the way you deal with these situations and tell the other person that their opinion is right just because they have dementia. This is what dementia training is asking you to do. Why?

When someone has dementia their memory is often impacted, particularly their short term memory. They may also be confused about things. Their brain, being the clever organ that it is, may fill in the gaps. For example, if you always leave your umbrella by the door but now it is missing, and you just saw your neighbour walk past then your conclusion may be that your neighbour stole it. For someone with dementia this will not feel like a suspicion that they have, it will feel like a sure thing.

In this sort of situation you could argue and explain that there is no way that the neighbour stole it. However, they probably would not believe you and when you prove it to them it will only add to their confusion. The other option would be just to vaguely agree and then, later on, find the umbrella for them.

This is not a hard and fast rule, the premise of it is to avoid upsetting your loved one for no real benefit. They will remember the feeling of the argument for far longer than they will remember what it was about or the outcome.

If you would like to find out a bit more about the impact of dementia and tips for interacting with someone living with dementia, please come along to my next Dementia Awareness Session at the Farnham Maltings on 15 September at 1pm. To book your free place, call 01252 745444.

Alastair Shanks, Owner Right at Home GF and Dementia Friends Champion